thanksgivings, 2006

this is the only post i am posting in november, i think. and probably nobody is going to read it. so i guess this is between me and God... and maybe Gabriel.

this has been an ornery semester, filled with overload and edged with bitterness. i am not adapting well to new financial and job expectations, but i am adapting.

many things we hoped would be possible "soon", keep getting pushed further and further away.

i feel powerless about many things... dehumanization of immigrants and autistics/disabled people, the stupid stupid war, university burocracy in Bogotá, college burocracy here, The Way Things Work in general... & The Future.

so here comes the "...but," right? life sucks, but it doesn't really. well, yeah. so predictable, but you know, even in the Psalms that formula is used... might be something to it, then. Didn't have to look hard or far to find an example:

Psalm 3

1Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.

2Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.

3But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

4I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

5I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.

6I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.

7Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.

8Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.

posted this in Amanda's blog, in the comments, after she posted that another autistic kid has been murdered by his father. she also posted, as usual, some mind-blowing details about how her brain does things. sorry, bad pun. not real profound or anything, but here goes:

am sitting here typing and erasing because it’s hard to find something to say. maybe (seeing what day it is) just thankful to be alive, thankful my parents were always as weird as me, thankful to have come across you and other people i read who let me know better about all kinds of autistic and human possibilities, thankful that if my husband and i ever have a kid it will have united parents and a good father (can’t vouch for the mother; still kind of a flake).

so there's a start. as much as my parents messed-up, especially my father, i am thankful to have been raised by hippie aspies. no, wait. christian hippie aspies. yeah, get it right. and i am thankful to have been homeschooled (reading a lot about bullying on AFF lately and remembering a lot of verbal bullying when i finally -stupidly?- convinced them to let me go to public school).

thankful for the ways my mother helps me: knowing that i am paying the larger part of the bills, she does most of the house stuff and some executive function stuff (and knowing that i will never manage, with my chaotic ways). and the thing about the savings, which is still hugely guilt-inducing and i don't know what to do about that, or how to ever make it up to her, but i am really grateful.

thankful that the single most useful thing i got out of public school (spanish!) is still going strong.
thankful for this job which is the means by which i could sponsor Gabriel, and afford my parents being divorced without asking my mother to leave this house which she loves, well, not the house itself (it's kind of crap), but the location (the place where nothing ever happens, ever).
thankful that the new boss i was scared of turned out to be totally ok. so far.

thankful for my indescribable, lovely husband. i think we are still learning to communicate and to get along; progress is good. thankful that he learns to be patient with me, and help me remember to pay the bills and go to sleep and all kinds of stuff. because i need it. thankful that i will never get bored married to this beautiful and surprising guy with a beautiful and surprising mind.

thankful for the things i am learning all the time. both about all the strange (to me) and wonderful possibilities in other peoples' minds, and about teaching. still learning how to teach, after more than 10 yrs total and almost 5 yrs at Tech.

thankful for the times just hanging out with friends, mostly online but also -with CR, for example- in real life. SL and IRC are a lovely thing. for one thing, because there you can hang out with people who can't hang out with people (i mean, like for sensory overload reasons IRL). and those are some of my coolest friends online.
meeting R.S.J. (and also visiting my ex-boss in the mountains the same day), that was so nice. he was a very generous host (he bought Gabriel and me lunch, but i mostly mean that he was generous with time/energy and listening) and it was so good to meet in 3d an online friend that it seems like i have known 'forever'.
we were glad to see that my ex-boss seems happy up there, living in a really pretty and peaceful area.

finally, i think i am thankful that my parents are divorced and that i may never have to see my father again. i am definitely glad that my mother will never have to see him again. as i read the aspie forums i keep thinking, "did we all expect too much of him?" what if my mother had had the policy with him that i try to have with Gabriel (things will happen when they need to -when they can- happen; don't push), the theory of which is confirmed by this article. but on the other hand, (A) she did have that policy for a long time. and at a certain point (B) my father committed to having a child (me), committed to a lifestyle where he didn't permit my mother to work enough in her field to get decent retirement, plus made debts and broke his side of that life's responsibilities in many ways... set us all up for a mess when they finally divorced.
so i am not all that thankful for my father, although he could have been worse.
that which does not kill you is not the be-all-end-all of bad parenting.

also i think i am thankful that my grandparents are speaking to me and Gabriel again.
this is complicated and i don't know what step to take next, but yeah, i guess it has to be a birthday message (with some digital drawings and photos) because my mother reminded me that it's Nana's birthday this weekend. and then see about whether or not they are really inviting us to visit them some time. i couldn't tell in Grandad's email.

oh yeah, one last thing: thankful that although i am powerless to change a lot of things, this reminds me that God is in control. powerless is not the same as without responsability; although i am not becoming political yet, i do still want to make awareness. but that's something anybody can do, and maybe more minds can be opened to various things, and maybe things can change. but, just like a lot of things, it's up to God to change hearts or populations and policy-makers, and as for the "regular people", we can at least tell what we know, what we learn.